In preparation for the upcoming holidays and the coming together of family and friends, I think a great topic in addition to gratitude would be acceptance. A large part of resiliency skills focuses on this very word, which, if done right, can foster stronger meaningful relationships while also contributing to our own individual mental and emotional well-being.
The entire theory of resiliency is based on our response to adversity. In this model, it is not the adversity that is the focus but rather our response to that adversity. In response to adversity, we have two distinct paths we can choose from: growth or destruction. We cannot go back to our reality before the adversity; that reality is no longer there, thus the two paths. We also cannot linger in a state between the two choices, for either consciously or unconsciously, the journey will begin. Growth or Destruction.
Many times, I use the analogy of those incidents when I must deliver a death notification to family due to an auto accident or other tragedy. I knock on the door, knowing I am about to forever change the lives of those on the other side of that door. As I leave those notifications, this reality of response to adversity weighs heavy on my mind. I do my best to show compassion and share a message of strength, but in the end, it is their journey now, and I can only hope that they choose growth out of that tragedy.
For some, this holiday season, that adversity will come in the form of differing opinions from those we love. We live in a society that, unfortunately, focuses and even thrives on differences instead of commonalities. The very algorithms of our social media, and for that matter traditional media, feed on this “Velcro/ Teflon” effect. There is an actual science to this, which is commonly known as the “Confirmation Bias. It goes like this; when we see or hear things that align with our personal bias, even if they are not necessarily factual, those things stick with us and re-affirm our already strongly held beliefs, just like Velcro. In contrast, when we see or hear things that go against our bias or beliefs, even if they are supported by facts, those things do not stick but rather slide right off of like Teflon.
This is not to say that we should abandon our deeply held beliefs or values, but rather take the time to listen with the intent to understand the beliefs and values of others. There is no place for being verbally aggressive in the hopes of suppressing the beliefs of others, nor is it acceptable to diminish the value of the person just because our values or beliefs do not align. This is the very essence of Acceptance.
It comes down to understanding and accepting what we have control over and what we do have control over. We do not have control over adversity, or when it will enter our lives or to what extreme. We can only control our response to that adversity. We cannot control those around us, or their beliefs and values. We can only control our response when confronted by those differences. We can choose conflict, or we can choose peace. For those meaningful relationships in our lives, we must choose peace.
